So this is how the conversation went down with my mom tonight while I was making delicious muffins.
My mother started with, “How was your day today?”
I answered, “Eh. It was whatever. I was in a mood and got irritated at lots of stuff. So not that great I guess.”
"Well, just hang in there. They may offer you something full time."
"They already told me about something that was available, so."
"Oh great! Did you tell them you were interested?!"
"Yep. I knew that even though I don’t like the job, or really want the job, that I’m automatically expected to take it and go with it so of course I told them I was interested."
"Well, almost no one likes their jobs, Kimberly. You should be grateful for it anyway."
I turned around at that point and gave her “the look.” “Grateful? I will take it, I will work hard at it, but I won’t be grateful for it.”
"Wow, Kimberly. I think you need to change your attitude."
"I’m allowed to have an attitude about it if I want to. I’m a free person with my own thoughts. Doesn’t mean I’ll show them, but I can have them. I’ll take the damn job, okay? But I don’t have to like it."
More disappointed and slightly outraged comments on my behavior followed at this point, along with a awkward silence after that. A few minutes later, I asked her what time we were leaving on our little trip the following day, which I really didn’t want to take. I’d pretty much agreed to go out of guilt coupled with the much feared “mom” look that mothers give at times to forcefully persuade their children into doing things. She replied that we’d be leaving at 10am. “If,” she said, I still wanted to go. She said she wasn’t going to force me, especially if I was going to have an attitude. I replied that yes, she had forced me, but I was actually used to being forced to do tons of things so I was pretty much used to it and therefore mostly unaffected by it.
At that point she stormed off to shower.
My point in recording all this is not to “show off” how big of a bitch I know I was being, but to just get my thoughts down, I guess. I know I could have made my points in a less antagonistic way, but today I was just fed up with tons of things. It was one of those days when everything that has been bothering you for the past however many days or weeks or months or even years suddenly hits you right in the face and you just can’t see the light of day anymore. I still do believe that people should be allowed to make their own choices. Sounds simple, but it gets denied all the time, especially by parents. When children are small, young, and extremely incapable of making their own rational decisions, fine, help them make that choice. But for someone like me, at this point, it feels more like just blatant control and I don’t like it. I don’t like being told what to think or feel, where to go, how to live and what to do. I know what I’m supposed to be doing in the eyes of my family and of society, so fine, I will begrudgingly fulfill that expectation. But when it comes to my own personal thoughts and emotions, I don’t give a damn who you are, you’re not going to tell me to think or feel a certain way about something. If I don’t like something, I don’t like it. Fact of the matter is, now that I think about it, I actually am grateful for the job. That part of what I said to her was wrong. I know people don’t come by jobs very often these days and I’m lucky to have found one. I am not happy; I am grateful, but not happy. However something about being told that I should be grateful, happy, what have you, that ticks me off. It feels like force, like being talked down to. Whether I choose to feel a certain way or not is my decision. I don’t want to be told to.
My head, my rules. Try to force your way in and you’re going to get either a wall going up in front of you, or, on days like today, snapped at. Or, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just not broken spirited enough yet to say that I’m happy about something which earns me money to buy mediocrity and nothing close to satisfaction.