Regarding society ‘n crap
I’m a very philosophical person. I like thinking about things, even though it stresses me out a lot. It’s something I couldn’t live my life without doing.
How do I say this…? My family pisses me off a lot.
I don’t even think there’s a word for it, really. There isn’t even a specific word to describe all of them, no all-encompassing adjective. I can definitely describe how I feel when I’m around them, though. Alienated.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d even go as far to say I was adopted. I almost wish I could say that so that I would have some reason to explain why I’m so different from all of them. Unfortunately, I have no such explanation. I’m just the weirdo in the family. They are interested in almost none of the things I am interested in, but again, it goes beyond that. They do not even have the tolerance to give me the time of day to discuss the topics that I enjoy. Or if they do, they’re bored of it within a grand total of a minute or two and they always make it extremely obvious.
My mother isn’t so bad, I suppose. It’s mostly my father and brother. Wonderful, honestly. The two of them are contributing to my slow but very gradual abhorrence of men. My brother, upon realizing that I’m talking about something he deems stupid in any way, will actually start to talk to me like I’m a child. If I knew he was doing it just to be funny, then I might be a little more tolerant. However, I know from past conversations with him that it’s more because he actually doesn’t give a damn. My father is the same way, though he’s a lot less teasing about it. He’ll go so far as to ask me how I am and what I’d like to talk about, but then he will actually cut me off after maybe a few sentences to drone on endlessly about himself and his problems. They wonder why I can’t just grow up, sell my soul, and work in a “normal” job like “everyone else” and be happy with that. They wonder why I’d rather be dreaming about things and people and concepts and places that don’t exist (yet). They call it stuck up. They call it entitled. They call it lazy. They don’t care, and they’re not interested. In their eyes, my mind and the way it works, the things it cares about, are insignificant.
To me they represent the world. That would be bad enough all on its own; however, on top of that, they also show me that not even my own family can really connect with me in any way. My own family.
So I ask you…if my own family sees me this way, how must the world look at me? And I go out into society with this mindset every day, nearly every time I leave the house. I operate on the assumption that if I open myself up at all, that 90% of them will reject me in the most humiliating way. And how can I live with that? It’s no wonder I have so few friends, and it’s not wonder that the few I do have I am inextricably attached to. Because who else do I have? Who else?
Blood is thicker than water. That’s one of the biggest lies I’ve ever heard in my life.