"I don’t want you to break up with me. Not really…"
I shouldn’t have.
God. I am so sorry…
Please love me or I’ll be gone. I’ll be gone…
I’m all out of love,
I’m so lost without you…
I know you were right, believing for so long…
—"All Out of Love," Air Supply
People ask how you are but I’d say less than 10% of them actually care to hear it if you actually aren’t.
They say you should follow your dreams, but when you do, most of the time, you’re criticized for it.
When you’re a number in a statistic about depression and anxiety, you should be treated with understanding and compassion. When you’re a person with depression and anxiety, you should just get over it.
When you think with your heart, most people view you as a leech that should be ripped off and thrown away as soon as possible because you’re obviously just a bloodsucker.
Apparently negativity about things is only forgivable when spoken about in the privacy of a therapist’s office.
Communication is supposedly key to any relationship both professional and personal, though oddly enough, most people either loathe it, can’t do it, or both.
Fake it till you make it. Or always.
Dear diary… Where do I even begin this entry?
I love this girl. Well, boy. Person. But they’re very special to me. More than anyone. I’m not entirely sure in what way I love them. But it is definitely more than any friend..
And you see, diary, I used to have this person as my own. But I got scared. And I made reasons. And I left this person. And we’ve been friends still, its true, but…its not the same anymore. I felt so welcome by them, and now….there’s a distance I can’t explain. And I want to close it, to make myself and this person close again, like how we used to be, but I don’t know how. The worst part, diary, is that I don’t even know if they want it. Maybe they want me to stay at this distance. Why is that…? What changed?
But I can’t stay here at this distance. I will end up stepping closer or farther. And I don’t know which way to step.
I keep thinking that maybe they don’t realize, that I hurt them somehow, and that that’s why they’ve grown occasionally cold and far away. Is that too arrogant sounding? Eh, I’m sorry. Well, my other guess is maybe I’ve become annoying, which…would hurt, if it was the truth. But I only push because I so want to go back and be close again. I find myself regretting things…
And right now, I’m not crying. Not wallowing. Its a quiet sort of sadness, wondering what will happen now. Because it’s almost as if their two sides jump back and forth. Bit like whiplash. Sometimes warm, sometimes so chilly. And the cold came when I left. Distinct change right there, even comparing it back to before I called them mine. Even then, before, I didn’t feel this far away.
Did I hurt you? Can you see that far down to maybe see…? I know you’d say no, but I wonder sometimes. Because why else would you come across that way suddenly?
I just wanted you to come back to me. I missed that person you used to be. I still do. Things feel shallower now for lack of a better word. Goodness no, not all the time, but enough that I’ve noticed it there.
But how do I begin to explain this to them without making them feel bad? I don’t want them to feel bad. I want them to understand. I want them to understand how much I treasure them, so much that I have to speak my mind and say it. But how do I tell them that? I don’t want to upset them. But I guess this was my great idea, wasn’t it? Ha.
The cold fronts are hard.
Those emotions you felt… I believe they were real. And I don’t know what you did with them when I left, but I wish you’d dig and find them. At least some of them, if not all, so that we could be as we were before. You were kinder, and I wasn’t so afraid and insecure.
And my worst fear is that you will read and be silent. Because then why did I say anything? I must be as important to you as you are to me. I don’t believe that something that once came so easily to us both could be lost forever. I could tell how fucking much you cared for me by how you would speak, how you would act. And I suppose for the last month, I panicked because I thought I felt all that go missing. I’d just like to see that person again. I do see them sometimes. And that’s when I smile the most. I just want us to be close. Because sweetie, you are my treasure. You truly are.
But I’m rambling. Of course I know you care still. Things just felt rocky. Wanted to say it. And that I love you always. You and your little heart that used to be mine and hopefully still is.
Pfff, a lot of this is like…only half on the mark. It’s so hard for me to figure out what I’m feeling at any given moment. The most accurate description is also the shortest and the most vague. I feel there’s something off and that it’s to do with you and me. I make all these guesses at it, trying to explain and maybe help everyone, myself included, understand, but those are just guesses. Maybe it’s that I question exactly what I mean to you when you get cold and distant… And so I become afraid. Maybe. More guesses, eh?
I don’t even really want anything more than to know I hold some little special place at the center of your heart that no one else can take. Only time I ever wish that is if I have one there in mine for them too. And I do. And I used to see it, so I didn’t need to ask, if that makes sense… I feel like I have to ask more now.
We used to say we missed each other if one was gone even for a few hours. But for you, that’s not true anymore. And…hearing it change hurt a little. Because I remember how it used to be.
I can’t help but feel I’m digging myself into a hole by speaking what’s on my heart. :/ But I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t care so much. And I will, because that’s what I do. I care about people. A special few have my heart and I fight to keep them close. To keep us all together. But…the last person I said that to went away. I thought it would inspire them to fight for us, but it made them leave. So I find myself asking, how do I speak in a way that will let them see how sincere I’m being? What do I say to let them understand me? I don’t have an answer to that but I try my damned hardest. I wish I could at least say, “At least see how I’m trying. Please..”
But I have to remember that you’re not that person. You’re different, I think. I can tell you things and you won’t leave me here.
I’ve said what I needed to say, I think, in the best way I could say it. I can only hope now it’ll be appreciated and not misunderstood… That’s always the scary part. Lots of people seem to misunderstand what I say. I do try though. I do. I hope it came out okay this time.
severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy
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